Avoidance

I tend to write.

And Write.

And Write.

And then I stop. I run out of ideas and the things I want to write about I am unable to finish.

Does this make sense?

It’s hard to write what you feel.

My last post was actually bout my real life. The story that has broken me to pieces and although I know it’s a story I want to write down so I don’t forget, the emotions that come with writing it are overwhelming.

I took a break. But it longs to be written.

I thought about starting a notebook with the memories so that I can piece it together later. Like a therapy of sorts. Maybe I could finally lay him to rest if I get it out of my brain.

Memories haunt me every day. And I am tired of talking about it to my friends and family. I am tired of relieving the moments from the past that are crystal clear.

It would be easier to say, “You want to know what happened? Go to this link and find out so I don’t have to explain, yet again, why I am so fucked up.”

It’s a crutch.

This story. My life story.

I use it as a reason for putting my life on hold and not moving on. I use it as a way to avoid new moments. I use it as a way to push people away.

As much as I want to write about other things, this story is begging to be written. It’s like an itch that won’t stop twitching until I get it out.

All the moments. All the characters, (real people), are floating in my mind waiting to be written down.

I guess I need to suck it up and try.

But what if it sucks me in even worse? What if it makes me feel the heartache and helplessness all over again?

That’s guaranteed.

But that’s why we write, isn’t it? No one said it was easy and always happy. Writing is about bearing ones soul and expressing yourself through the written language that you are typically unable to speak in a given moment.

I want it out of me. And if that means writing it all down and ripping apart my soul, yet again…

So be it.

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Preface

I have always been told that in some people lives, there is a distinct moment that can be a paradigm shifting landslide. The game changer; An event that forever alters the course of life as we know it. I am not talking about events such as the decision of which college to go to (although in my case it did lead me to my “moment”). Or had you not gone to the grocery store on Union Street you wouldn’t have bumped into the love of your life in the check-out line.

I am speaking of an event that not only changes your life but your core, your beliefs. It shakes you to your heart and you think of it every day. What you thought was reality is forever gone. And the belief that there is more to this world than just the mindless meandering of our society over takes your own being.

I really only knew one other person who had gone through such a change. My oldest, dearest friend Christine completely turned into a different person when she lost her father at the age of 20. She went from being a wild child, not caring about her family and putting her friends first (we had stopped being friends in high school because of this) to cutting down her friends to a few select when the double melanoma took her sweet father. She watched him die for a year, never complaining or stating how bad his health was.

We have contributed his illness to saving our friendship and reuniting us. I’m sure that sounds a bit absurd, but it is the truth. If he hadn’t emailed me during freshman year of college to let me know how she was doing and that his cancer had returned, I may have only heard about it after. When his emails stopped coming, I started emailing Christine. It opened the gates of communications between us and it took another year but when he died, I was there for her.

I watched as she transformed into an adult. We weren’t teenagers anymore. Watching a man who was once full of life with sense of humor beyond a normal person’s comprehension waste away to a bag of bones will do that to a girl. She changed. It was as if a light had been clicked on for her. No one asked her to be a better friend, sister, or daughter. It just transpired.

I knew it was possible, but I am a stubborn person myself. I had my life planned out, the vision crystal clear of what I would accomplish and how I would accomplish it. I knew who the person I wanted to be and I was already her. In college I focused solely on school (and a little on being in a sorority and of course there was the occasional party, club outing, etc). When I tried to date, my “plans” got in the way. I stayed the course and thought down of those around me with visions of marrying their college sweetheart and preparing for these magnificent weddings (I will say that half of these marriages have ended in divorce – you can’t make a life out of a wedding.)

Logically is the way I lived and thrived. After college when I couldn’t find a job in my chosen profession in my home state of Tennessee, I took the challenge of moving two states away. Texas, here I come! I was excited and thrilled with the possibilities of working for a department store but even more elated that I was on my own, in a place I knew no one. I have never had a problem meeting new people and making new friends. (That is what happens when you transfer college twice. You learn to adapt or be eaten alive.)

But like everything else in my life, I had my rules while living there:
Don’t tell strangers where you live.
Don’t buy too much furniture.
Never drink the water out of the tap (sulfur will make you want to vomit).
Make friends with married couples because they will want to help you move when you get reassigned again.

Be nice to everyone.

Never date coworkers.

Work harder and longer than everyone else.

Sleep as much as possible.

Have fun when you can but remember your goals, you are here for ONE reason.

Get your oil changed.

And the main rule, the number one rule.
THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF ALL

Do NOT fall in love with someone in Texas.

I had my reasons. First off, dating someone in college was always a distraction. I did better in school and in life when I avoided getting caught up in someone else. That’s what high school was for and I was several years past the juvenile longing for a relationship. I learned from my mistakes so I refused to relive them.

Also, how does one date when you aren’t from the area and you might as well be from a different planet? My ideals and beliefs were typically different than those around. I also did not find anyone attractive and being a taller than average female made things interesting.

But my main purpose for not wanting to date or to fall in love with someone in Texas was that I couldn’t see myself staying there forever. I knew in my heart that I would eventually end up back in Memphis. It wasn’t that I missed my family a ton, but Memphis had my heart. I longed to be back there when I wanted to fall in love and start my family. It was another goal.
And one that meeting someone in Texas would jeopardize. I pushed it away as deliberately as I could, even self-sabotaging many possible romantic flings.

But then on a warm May evening in the dessert, I spotted him for the first time.

I still didn’t know then. I had no inkling that this person would change my life in a way that completely and utterly was unexplainable.

But even that wasn’t the moment that changed my life…

I don’t eat Crawfish

But I sure do love a Crawfish festival.

The annual Overton Square crawfish festival was over the weekend and I had a blast!

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Not only was it the first beautiful weekend here in Memphis, but the festival was so successful. I have never seen that many people there before. The revitalization of Overton Square has really transformed everything.

I had not ventured behind the main buildings before and I was utterly shocked by how much it had changed. No longer were the buildings run down. Instead there was a stage with children were playing in bands. There was a giant chime, and the back side of the building is now more beautiful than the front.

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If you haven’t been to the festival or to Overton Square since the revival, I urge you to go soon! It was beautiful. We people watched, sang along with the bands, drank, and got some much needed sun.

All in all it was a great day for a festival and even greater day with friends.

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Now if I could find this band so they could follow me around all day and play for my life soundtrack.

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Envy

I have recently started attending Second Presbyterian for Sunday morning worship with a friend of mine. The service is refreshing; using more traditional elements. And most Sundays when I attend, I find that the sermons must have been picked out just for me. They deal with a lot of human emotions which cause a lot of self reflection.

Yesterday the service was on Envy.

The pastor stated that when we are envious of someone we are wishing that someone’s else fortune is ours and that we would take it from them if we could. That when envious thoughts enter our mind it rots our behavior and causes immediate dissatisfactory and hate.

I agree wholeheartedly.

Being the self claimed selfawared person that I am, I do not find it hard to admit when I envious of someone.

They have James Taylor tickets. Envious

She doesn’t have to work out and still looks like she does. envious

She hardly works but gets paid three times the amount of me. envious

Lately I have found that my envy has grown. And just like the pastor said it has affected my behavior. I guess with the realization that I am moving home to my parents (to pay on dr bills and start saving for a house) while my roommates and other friends are all moving in with their current boyfriends, has caused my emotions to turn.

I am envious.

It’s not that I would ever move in with a boyfriend. I honestly do not believe it, but the fact that these women have found men that are willing to move in with them has caused much jealousy in my heart. I want to pick out paint with someone. I want to redecorate a house. I want to think that I’ll end up marrying this guy even though statistically at least one of my four friends who is moving in with their boyfriend will not marry him. I want the things that these friends of mine are getting to do with significant others and it’s ALL they can talk about.

I am jealous and it has cause my heart dissatisfaction when for months I have been happy.

Why is this?

The pastor said it is in our human nature to feel envy but it’s how we react that makes all the difference. Lately I have been short and snappy with one of my roommates because it appears she could not get out of our beautiful house fast enough. It hurts my feelings to think that what I have thought was such a wonderful living experience is not ideal for her.

I should be happy for her for finding someone delusional enough to move in with her, but instead I am sad.

Will it ever be my turn?

I feel like most of my blog is about me not being in a relationship and dating and trying to find someone. Shouldn’t I just be happy by myself?

For the most part I am, but when it seems everyone around me is finding their soulmates I have to wonder what I did in a previous life to not find someone by now. This is the whole reason I gave up social media for Lent. Too many marriages , engagements, and moving in together. I wish there was a switch on our bodies that could turn off jealousy emotions because it really does affect my mood and behavior.

My goal this week is to keep busy and when those envious thoughts enter my brain to remind myself that I am happy for them. Hopefully one day, I will deserve the same happiness all of them have acquired.

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Wednesdays

Hump Day. It’s the middle of the week and we are in the long stretch to the weekend. We start coming up with grand ideas of what to take up our weekend with.

Birthday party?

Midtown?

Downtown?

The game?

It’s the same every weekend. And I typically find myself either doing my own thing ( spur of the moment trips to see my family or out of town friends ) or sneak my way into my friends plans.

See, this is what happens when you are the only single one left. And at times I don’t mind it. I like being able to choose which set of friends to hang out with.

Whom shall I bestow my presence upon?

But I find it funny how all my fiends with boyfriends must do what their boyfriends want. And yes, I have been guilty of it myself. For instance, last weekend when I had a date, I wanted to meet my friends but the guy didn’t want to. Why do I let a man dictate what I do with my time? I decided to not see my friends and stay on the date, but for what?

It was a great date, but the aftermath is lackluster.

Back to the weekend….

Wednesdays cause me slight anxiety not knowing where I will find myself or what I will be doing. And this whole dating thing is a total shit show. Who knew it would be so hard to find someone you connect with? It use to be so easy….

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Dear Creepy Guy At The Gym

Hi There,

It’s me. The female you like to stare at. While some females might find your gaze enchanting, I am obliged to inform you I am not one of these creatures.

If you haven’t noticed, I have hardly made eye contact with you. In fact, I typically take my glasses off when running on the treadmill. You must think this helps me concentrate on running.

No.

It’s the same concept as a child keeping their eyes shut in the dark when they feel like a monster is waiting. What they can’t see, can’t see them.

So trust me. When I do put my glasses back on, your gaze isn’t the first thing I want to see, especially after burning 400 calories in 35 minutes.

I get that I wear a tight tank top that shows off my hourglass figure. But if I wore a sweatshirt, like I would like to do, you would be watching me as I passed out at the gym.

Now wait, before you get all defensive, I too have enjoyed taking in the vision of a tall man lifting weights and daydreamed, for a milli-second, what it would be like if he talked to me. But then he makes some loud grunt, drops his weights to the ground and readjusts his package. The dream vanishes.

I get it.

But what I don’t get is you looking at me like I am a piece of meat you are ready to devour, all that is missing is a bib and your tongue hanging out.

If we haven’t had a conversation in over a year and half, I wish and hope you would move on to someone who likes the attention. Because I am definitely not her.

And while I am sure you are a lovely person, I am unable to pick up someone at the gym. I get that you don’t know this, but after a year of stalking watching me and seeing I only talk to a few friends that are females, I thought you would get the hint.

This isn’t to say you haven’t provided some entertaining moments. Like the time you were staring at the pretty blonde and fell off the spinner bike. Or the time you thought my friend Liz was waving at you but sadly she was waving at me. And I won’t mention the treadmill incident….

But then again you are a nice guy. You helped that elderly lady with the weights that one time. And even let someone have a turn before you on a machine even though you had waited in line for a while.

Bet you couldn’t tell what awesome peripheral vision I have while staring at my chest?

🙂

Please don’t take too much offense to this letter. All and all, at least you creepily follow me out to my car every day which makes it easier for me to feel safe.

Cause let’s face it, This is Memphis.

;

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The Tragedy of Philo Farnsworth

Read the North

As long as there are inventors there will be people who wished they’d died before their dreams came to light.

Robert Oppenheimer and the atomic bomb. Alfred Nobel and dynamite. Madame Curie and her discovery of radium (this one had positive results, but she died a horrible death due to radiation poisoning). And then there’s Philo Farnsworth and the electric television.

I first learned about Farnsworth when I read Carter Beats the Devil a few years ago (in the novel, Carter, a stage magician, uses Farnsworth’s electric television during a show). Then his name popped up again when I read A. J. Jacobs’ The Know-It-All, which I’ll never forget, The first image Farnsworth ever showed on a television was a dollar sign, about which Jacobs quipped, “somehow, he must have known that Lisa Kudrow would one day make a million dollars an episode on Friends.”

Based on that simple anecdote, one…

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Rainy Date Night

To have a successful date night with thunderstorms are rolling in to the midsouth, you must throughout all plans and just follow where the next moment takes you.

Original Plan: Memphis Redbirds vs St Louis Cardinals game. Then Main Street Trolly night for some art.

The game wasn’t rained out, but who wants to get hit by lightening? Instead he took me to Bhan Thai in midtown. A beautiful little Thai restaurant I had never been too. I enjoyed ever morsel and couldn’t even finish my plate after having two glasses of Riesling and sharing two appetizers.

We then decided to still ventured to south main. The rain cleared out almost everyone so we were able to enjoy the arts galleries without the crowds. Some of these places I have never been to before! How have I missed this? If has honestly been two years since I tried Trolley night, and I have now realized we didn’t actually make it.

The stores began to close. And our date was coming to an end. But because he knows my love of old architecture he suggested wandering in to the Amtrak train station.

And this is why I love Memphis.

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I love able to find something new all the time. Never a dull moment in this town.

Here’s to a successful first date and hoping for more.

A Warm Heart

It’s amazing how a moment can completely change your mindset. I have been wallowing in self hatred and confusion the last week due to something out if my control. I have hardly slept because it has bothered me so.

When these moments happen I have learned that being busy is the best way to cope. I immediately throw myself back into the gym after work. And on Wednesday I decided to take my nephew and my sisters dog, jack to the park while she was experiencing labor pains.

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This 3 year old little boy changes me everytime I’m around him. His sweet heart, energy and intelligence always makes me so proud. They are amazing parents. Not perfect. But amazing.

When we returned from the park my sister was ready to go to the hospital. My heart wished I could stay with her but it’s a time for her and her husband.

I joined them the next day at the hospital to hold this beautiful 9 pound baby boy. And my heart changed. Seeing my family and being close to those who love me unconditionally helps me to realize not to waste energy on someone who doesn’t want to be here.

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